


Suffering

by Borore



Series: Doom days [4]
Category: Better Call Saul (TV)
Genre: Doomed Relationship, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Scars, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:21:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borore/pseuds/Borore
Summary: Somehow, Nacho always knew that he would never go very far with the Salamancas. Gaining Lalo's trust was just the beginning.
Relationships: Eduardo "Lalo" Salamanca & Ignacio "Nacho" Varga, Eduardo "Lalo" Salamanca/Ignacio "Nacho" Varga
Series: Doom days [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921657
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Suffering

**Author's Note:**

> Mental trigger warning: non-consensual sex, abuse and rape.  
> If you are or are vulnerable to these issues, please do not read.

When Nacho opened his eyes, it had been clear for a long time. Lalo slept beside him, which was quite unusual. Lalo slept little and that only made the scene even more beautiful and pleasant to look at. Lalo's face was calm and peaceful, no wrinkles marking his skin for concern, none of those dimples marked by his smile. Lalo was just sleeping.

Nacho moved slowly and felt every bit of his skin sting and hurt and retract with the bites and marks that Lalo had left the night before. Nacho knew that a hot bath would be very painful, but after being shot in the stomach and left in the desert to die, some pains are more bearable than others.

He no longer wanted to prolong the waiting time to get back at Fring. It wasn't as if he and Lalo had already talked at length about what they would do with revenge or delimited all the bases of suffering for Fring, but Nacho knew that as soon as he returned from what he should do with Don Eladio, he and Lalo would sit down and have a long conversation that would define what they would do. Nacho avoided thinking completely about revenge, he wanted to leave that feeling to share only with Lalo and no one else.

So, Nacho took a long shower, the bites on his skin burned with hot water, but when Nacho looked at himself naked in the bathroom mirror, he even liked the patterns of Lalo's teeth spread across his body.

Lalo was still asleep when Nacho came out of the bathroom. Nacho chose good old black jeans with a black undershirt and a nice fitted red shirt and dressed carefully and slowly. Damn Salamancas who wrong the number of his clothes, making them too tight, too marked, brushing against his recent wounds.

Nacho sat on the edge of the bed and touched Lalo's face with the back of his hand. It was so unusual to see him sleep that now, Lalo looked like a painting. Lalo's face was relaxed, the marks on his skin were not visible and his lips were relaxed, with no wicked smile on them. Lalo looked like someone else in his sleep.

Nacho could spend hours looking at Lalo's face and he wouldn't know if he closed his eyes he could remember all the details. He looked again at his chin, then at his thin, relaxed lips, that unmistakable mustache, then the slightly fluttering lashes, his eyebrows and, finally, that curl of gray hair that fell over his forehead. Nacho loved the way Lalo's hair looked when it was messy, it was so damn pretty and sexy.

Looking at Lalo sleeping peacefully was like waiting for the hurricane to hit you. Nacho never imagined that, one day, he would be in bed with a Salamanca. Maybe, if he was forced to do this to stay alive, a fuck wouldn't be worth more than his life, but Nacho would never have been able to think that he would be in bed with a Salamanca of his own free will. He was an intelligent man, and yet, he didn't see it coming.

Nacho looked at Lalo's face again and paid full attention to him. It was as if the more he looked at Lalo's face, the less he could keep in his memory and it scared him a little.

Nacho thought about getting up and leaving without saying goodbye, just to make the process a little easier for both him and Lalo, but it would be so fucking unfair. Nacho couldn't do it.

"What are you doing?" Lalo said quietly, his voice was a little hoarse and his eyes were still closed.

"Looking." Nacho whispered.

Lalo opened his eyes. "Looking What?"

"Watching you sleep."

Lalo's eyes were black as they were when he was seething with anger or when he was thinking of something damn cruel that he couldn't put into words. Then, Lalo smiled at Nacho, softening his gaze, letting those strangely beautiful little marks appear on his cheeks.

Lalo yawned and turned slightly to Nacho, realizing that Nacho was dressed. Why was he dressed and smelled so good?

"Where do you think you're going?"

"It's time." Nacho bent down and kissed Lalo's face slowly. “Can you call your cousins? I need a ride.” He whispered against the skin of Lalo's face.

Lalo narrowed his eyes in that creepy way that only he knew how to do, the marks on his face becoming more pronounced. A strange chill went down Nacho's back.

"No." Lalo sounded.

"No? I thought we had an agreement.” Nacho pulled away slightly.

"No longer. I'm undoing it.” Lalo sat on the bed.

"Lalo..." Nacho sighed. He didn't have the strength for that discussion again. “Not again, huh? Don't make it any more difficult than it is.”

"Ignacio..."

"Please, for me."

That terrifying, aching feeling was beginning to come back to Lalo's chest. Why was it so difficult to part with Nacho? He had never felt that kind of feeling of possession for anyone before in his life, but Nacho had become the air he breathed and each time Nacho walked away, Lalo felt dizzy and disoriented, as if no one was seeing him, like a ghost disappearing, slowly vanishing.

"Just make the call, okay?" Nacho said.

Obviously Lalo didn't want to call. He didn't want to hand Nacho over to anyone, least of all to Don Eladio, and the worst was that Lalo hadn't told Nacho the whole truth, and now that the time had come to leave, Lalo didn't know if he would be able to say goodbye.

He should stop now and tell Nacho what Don Eladio really wanted. Lalo considered this hypothesis for a moment while Nacho's eyes were fixed on him. Those damn eyes that were so expressive, the slightly arched eyebrow forming a small crease on his forehead, the lower lip slightly projected forward which was something Nacho did involuntarily when he was being upset, but Nacho never realized what he's doing it.

Lalo stopped his thoughts before they went too far, before they took the least courage from him to get up and make that call. Lalo's chest ached as if something inside him was cracking. Making the call would be more difficult than Lalo have imagined. The words wouldn't come out, the voice would sound weak, and he wouldn't sound like the usual Lalo.

Lalo groaned and sat on the bed, Nacho's eyes following him intently. The two walked slowly to the living room of the small bungalow and Nacho did not take his eyes off Lalo while he called his cousins and arranged a time for them to come and pick up Nacho.

When he hung up the phone, Lalo looked up unsteadily until he met Nacho's eyes. Nacho was smiling, a light smile, something like saying that everything is fine, that everything is going to be okay, that what's coming over them shouldn't last and that they will go through it as they have gone through so many other things.

Poor Ignacio.

When the time really came, Lalo had already taken a shower and dressed unwillingly. He avoided looking at Nacho again as much as he could, he couldn't bear that look that everything was going to be okay, but Nacho was there all the time with that damn understanding look, a resigned prey ready for slaughter. Lalo didn't know how much longer he would be able to look at Nacho and hide the truth from him.

Nacho stopped in front of the bungalow door and his back was to Lalo. Lalo observed the posture of Ignacio who lifted his shoulders and moved his head to and fro, clearly trying to relax the neck muscles, so Nacho opened his left hand leaving his palm wide open, a clear sign for Lalo to move, approach him and give him his hand.

Lalo took a deep breath, approached it slowly and joined the palm of his hand to the warm hand of Nacho who did not look away from the door. If there was someone in that house who was swallowing all fears, frustrations and despair just to achieve a bigger goal, it was Nacho and he was doing a great job.

Lalo was proud.

Their fingers were intertwined, Nacho had wrapped the rosary around his wrist and hand before they left the house, and now Lalo's hand was firmly squeezing the rosary together with Nacho's hand. Lalo knew that the beads of the rosary would leave their hands marked as they squeezed them so tightly that it hurt.

They just looked like holding hands, but it meant a lot to them.

Lalo took courage and moved his eyes until he looked deep into the expressive eyes of Nacho who were there waiting only for him. Nacho said nothing as usual, but his eyes said absolutely everything. There was fear there and an apprehension that Lalo hadn't seen yet. Despite all the courage that Nacho was trying to show, it looked like Nacho was about to break.

Nacho's muscles were visibly tense, he seemed to have held his breath since they stepped out of the house. Lalo didn't know what to say, he didn't want to part with his tough boy. Lalo didn't know if he could do it.

"So..." Nacho tried to start a farewell, but failed. His voice was hoarse, his mouth was dry and his tongue felt huge in his mouth. All the feelings inside him were a sticky, messy mess.

Lalo wandered his gaze over Nacho's face one last time, unsure that he would see it again. Nacho's jaw was marked with the strength he made while gritting his teeth, his lips closed in a thin, apprehensive straight line, but his eyes burned as usual.

Ignacio, born of fire, so warm... His Nachito.

The cousins' car slowly approached, the seconds took forever to pass and when it came time to let go of Nacho's hand, Lalo barely made it. They could have said goodbye properly, mainly because Lalo knew he would never put his hands on Nacho's skin again, but none of them could say much now.

It was one of the most fucked-up moments in their lives.

"Adiós, Nachito." Lalo murmured when he let go of Nacho's hand, each letter hurting like a shot inside him.

Lalo was uncomfortable, all hot and bothered, his heart pounding in his throat, his lung about to stop breathing. Watching Nacho walk away and get into his cousins' car was fucking sad and painful.

Lalo saw the car pull away and disappear over the horizon. The pain inside his chest increased in intensity. He was alone again.

The pain didn't seem to go away. The pain only increased and increased and it hurt more. Lalo closed his eyes tightly and felt a strange feeling of numbness, as if nothing else in this life was worth the effort of breathing.

Lalo felt something breaking inside him and he felt something he hadn't felt since he was a boy.

Lalo felt like crying.

\---

Lalo allowed himself to suffer for a whole afternoon and night. Just a few hours to miss Ignacio and his big, soft, loving hands. The drink didn't help Lalo forget. The pain was absurdly unbearable. The cold tears streamed down his cheeks, mixing with the taste of alcohol. Lalo was suffering like never before, but it would be just today. Just this afternoon, just tonight, and then he would never be in pain again. He would never feel anything again.

The next day, Lalo would be a Salamanca again. The old Lalo he always was. Feelings muffled in a dark place. Lalo would feel nothing else. It would be empty again.

_Whatever come, comes._

But every minute and hour that afternoon and that night made Lalo question his own decisions. He didn't know if it was the drink, or the lack of Ignacio's weight beside him on the mattress that made everything hurt that unbearable way. Lalo had to use all the strength he had left and hold on to himself not to get out of that bed and go after Ignacio no matter what.

However, he had things to do, promises to keep.

Now, he needed to focus on what he was supposed to do and let just the image of Fring take over his thoughts. Maybe he would kill Fring very slowly, maybe it would take a few days to let him die, or maybe Lalo would just put a bullet in the middle of that motherfucker's forehead and that's it, he would go back to his life in Mexico.

His life in Mexico.

Could Lalo visit Don Eladio and see Nacho?

At this hour, did Nacho already know the truth?

Was Nacho okay?

Would Nacho smile again for him? That rare smile he had.

Lalo stifled his thoughts and continued to think about revenge.

The men and weapons would arrive early and Lalo should give some information to everyone before taking the road to Albuquerque. They would arrive in the middle of the afternoon, which gave Lalo enough time to prepare and catch Fring at the most opportune time. Lalo had not yet decided on quick revenge or days of suffering.

Arriving in the middle of the afternoon would give Lalo time to visit Nacho's father and fulfill a promise he had made. Yes, Nacho's father. Lalo remembered the night when Nacho asked him to protect his father. It was just two nights before they saw Don Eladio.

_It was strangely hot that night. Nacho had rolled over on his side after having sex, a pause between the kisses and the hickeys that Lalo planted on his beautiful body. Nacho looked strangely wistful at the moon that was shining outside._

_"Lalo..." Nacho whispered. "Can you take a look at my dad when you get back to Albuquerque?"_

_Lalo narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"_

_Nacho shrugged. “I just want him to be okay. You know... All that shit with Fring.” Nacho turned and looked at Lalo. "When you get there, just take a look at him for me, will you?"_

_Nacho sounded strangely sad, as if he would not be able to survive until they returned to the North. Lalo had already given up on the idea of killing Nacho some time ago, in fact that idea was a long way from them now, but Nacho seemed to feel something that Lalo was not feeling._

_"You will be able to look at your papa yourself."_

_"But, if I... If I can't." Nacho paused and swallowed. "Will you do this for me, please?"_

__"No digas esas cosas." _Lalo moved, a little uncomfortable with Nacho's way of talking._

_“He's a little... very suspicious. You have to go slow, okay? ”_

_"Nacho..."_

_Nacho moved and held Lalo's hand tightly. "Please, for me."_

_Lalo's heart contracted in a strange and painful way. Nacho's gaze was desperate, as if he wasn't going to live long enough to see his father again._

_"I do. Promise." Lalo finally said, just before kissing Nacho._

Lalo had made a promise and he would keep it.

Lalo's chest hurt again at the memory. How could Nacho feel the danger coming towards him and not warn Lalo? How stupid had Lalo been to not ask why? How did he allow Nacho to be left alone with Don Eladio?

Lalo thought he would never feel anything inside him again, but he realized that while Nacho still wandered inside his thoughts, he would feel that desperate and painful feeling inside his chest.

He needed to forget Nacho once and for all if he wanted to continue living.

\---

Lalo was distracted by the leather samples on the counter and didn't see Papa Varga approaching. Nacho and Manuel Varga could not be more different and, at the same time, so equal. They had the same deep eyes.

That pain inside Lalo started to appear, but Lalo squeezed it back in that dark corner of his chest. No feelings. No longer. Never.

The man was fine. Lalo asked for some opinion on the car's upholstery. Manuel really knew his product and knew cars. Maybe, after all this shit, Lalo would actually bring the car to change the leather for the seats.

Seeing Manuel speak, Lalo imagined that he would really have the pleasure of cooking for him one day, that he could make one of his best dishes for Manuel during a real family dinner. Lalo allowed himself to spend a few minutes wondering what a dinner with Nacho and Manuel would be like, what a family dinner would be like and smiled.

This timeline about his future had ceased to have the possibility to exist the moment he released Nacho's hand. Lalo and Nacho would never be a family, never again.

Lalo cleared his throat and said he was a friend of Nacho's, of course. Manuel looked worried, but Lalo told him not to stay, Nacho would be back soon and be back very well, Lalo could guarantee.

Liar. Nacho would never come back.

Lalo left Manuel with the promise that he would return to see him and, perhaps, he would. The man reminded him of Nacho and that quieted things a little inside him, but Lalo knew he couldn't stay long, someone could see him.

Anyway, one of the promises he made to Nacho was fulfilled. Now, Lalo would keep men wide-eyed over Manuel so nothing would happen to him. Not forever, just for as long as the revenge unfolded and, perhaps, until everyone forgot Gustavo Fring.

\--

Miles from Albuquerque, Nacho was being displayed as a trophy at a party he didn't want to be at. His arrival at Eladio's place was almost like an event. A security guard was waiting for him at the door and took him to the pool area where Don Eladio was waiting for him. Eladio looked radiant. A child with a new toy.

“Come on Ignacio, get a drink. This party is for you.”

Nacho did not smile, just made a discreet and affirmative nod. He sighed and took a drink. Soon it would all be over, a party, a night, a fuck and he could go back to Lalo and the revenge that awaited them.

Nacho let the thought of revenge and the desire to return to Lalo remain in his head as he watched everyone at that party. If he stopped to think about what was to come or what he should do, he would probably try to run away, so he kept his thoughts on something that gave him some security and Lalo was that thought.

For endless hours, Nacho heard Don Eladio laugh and talk without stopping, not that Nacho was paying attention to what he said. Nacho never imagined that someone would speak more than Lalo and that it would irritate him in a hateful way. He couldn't wait to end all that circus and go back to Lalo, back to their plans for revenge.

At nightfall, Eladio seemed pleased to show Nacho to all the guests and took him inside the house and then to the bedroom, locking the door securely.

Eladio helped himself to a drink and sat comfortably in an armchair, watching Nacho standing in the middle of the room. Nacho said nothing, a nervous drop of sweat running down his back.

"Take your clothes off, Ignacio."

It was an order and that was very clear. Nacho left his face unreadable as usual and moved only his hands, slowly unbuttoning his fitted shirt, throwing it on the floor afterwards.

Don Eladio's eyes darted to each of the bites that marked Nacho's biceps and all the other marks that were visible, even though Nacho was still wearing his undershirt. Eladio's face contorted in a frightening grimace.

"What the fuck?"

Nacho did not answer. I had no answer, it was clear what it was.

Eladio came over and held Nacho's face with his hand, squeezing tight. His breathing was labored and he didn't seem happy with what he saw.

"He did this to challenge me, didn't he?" Eladio spat the words against Nacho's face. “No problem... I can wait for it to heal, I'm in no hurry to do anything I want with you. “

Nacho moved his face, freeing himself from the grip of Eladio's hand and, in a clear provocation, took off his undershirt, showing the other several marks that Lalo had left on him.

Eladio groaned with hatred.

"Okay, okay..." Eladio said, breathing hard. "Everything will be new in two weeks, so I'm the one who will mark you."

"Two weeks?" Nacho was confused. "I won't be here in two weeks, I won't be staying with you for an extra day!"

"Ah, so he didn't tell you?" Eladio smiled.

Nacho did not answer.

“Didn't he tell you that you are mine forever? “

Nacho's stomach dropped. It was like falling off a huge cliff with no prediction of when it would hit the ground.

"Oh, the Salamancas." Now, Eladio was having fun again. “Accept it, Nacho... He will never come back, never. That was the price to be paid.”

Nacho couldn't bring all his thoughts together. Lalo had said it was a night, hadn't he? Did he say or did Nacho imagine he did? Wouldn't Lalo come back to pick him up the next day? Had he abandoned Nacho there to serve Eladio's whims forever?

"Come on, don't act like you don't know who you're dealing with."

"SHUT UP!" Nacho shouted.

Enough. Enough of that shit for Nacho. He leaves and goes now.

Nacho walked furiously towards the door, but before his hand touched the doorknob, he heard the crack of a gun. He knew that sound well, his body instantly stopping, a painful shock running down his spine.

"Come back here, I'm not done with you yet."

All that followed was a confused and painful blur in every way.

The cold barrel of Eladio's gun pressed against Nacho's neck while he was bent over the mattress, his face pressed against the sheets, his body moving involuntarily while Eladio thrust against him.

Nacho closed his eyes for a moment and tried to focus on something he liked, something that gave him peace. He tried to focus his mind on something that made him smile, something important to him, something that didn't make him suffer, didn't give him nightmares or intensified the pain he felt. Nacho just needed to focus all his energy on something that would give him a little comfort.

And he could only see Lalo's face smiling at him.

That hateful smile full of dimples and folds that only Lalo knew how to do.

That wicked fucking scary smile.

Those dark, shiny eyes.

Lalo's damn dark, bright, frightening eyes.

Nacho focused on every single detail of what he remembered about Lalo's face.

**PAIN.**

First, the round chin, a little beard there, nothing much. The jaw marked when he got angry was so beautiful.

**ANGUISH.**

Then, his lips were so thin and hidden by that spiny mustache that it made Nacho's skin itch.

**DESPAIR.**

All those little lines on Lalo's face when he smiled. Nacho could still remember them well.

**LONELINESS.**

The curl of gray hair falling over his forehead full of worry marks was so fucking sexy and his eyes expressive and dark. Round and interested. Clenched and nervous. Eyes shining, shining, shining.

**NUMBNESS.**

Nacho started to get lost, he was getting lost inside Lalo's intense and radiant eyes. The darkness of his eyes swallowed him slowly, making everything dark around him.

He was disappearing, falling apart.

"WAKE UP!" Lalo shouted. The voice echoing in Nacho's head.

Nacho opened his eyes, his vision was blurred and Nacho needed a lot of strength and energy to focus on something. Empty. He didn't see anyone in the room, but there was a loud breath, a wheezy and frightened breath. Nacho paid attention, his eyes attentive, his ears focused.

Someone was suffering. Small moans joined the rapid breathing. Nacho searched with his eyes, swept the empty room behind the owner of the moans and, little by little, he realized that the moans and the wheezing he heard escaped from his own throat.

Why was he still resisting?

Lalo would not return, no one would look for him. His only destiny was to be the toy of someone selfish and sadistic and Nacho didn't know if he could handle that pain inside his chest.

Lalo lied, cheated and deceived.

Why did Lalo pretend he cared?

Somehow, Nacho always knew that he would never go very far with the Salamancas. Gaining Lalo's trust by jumping on those roofs and then, going back inside the house to finish off the snipers sent by Fring, was just the beginning.

Trust would never take him very far on that path, now he knew and, despite having Salamancas blood running through his veins, Nacho was not a real Salamanca, he would never be and he would never mean anything to the Salamancas, nor to Hector, nor for Tuco.

He would always be expendable for them and now, Nacho knew he was also completely expendable for Lalo.

**Author's Note:**

> ESP - ING  
> "No digas esas cosas." - "Do not say those things."
> 
> \------  
> Thanks for reading.  
> Sorry to take so long to post this chapter. It was very difficult to put it all into words and be sure to post. I'm happy to see how it turned out, I hope you like it!  
> The next part is, finally, the last!
> 
> Leave a comment on what you think about it ❤️❤️


End file.
